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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26196679">Propositions</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/polymona/pseuds/polymona'>polymona</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Red Dwarf (UK TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>First Time, Humor, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, Innuendo, Lack of Communication, M/M, Misunderstandings, Morning After</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:53:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,263</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26196679</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/polymona/pseuds/polymona</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time Lister propositioned Rimmer, he was drunk, and the hologram had just returned to Red Dwarf a few weeks prior. </p>
<p>Then there was the second time, then the third.</p>
<p>The problem though, was that neither of them would actually talk about what they were doing, the next morning going about their day as though they weren't boning each other on the regular.</p>
<p>But then, Lister was forced to cut back on drinking, leaving them without the pretense for their sexcapades.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>66</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Propositions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Takes place during the theoretical Series IX, when the original Rimmer would have returned from being Ace prior to Back to Earth.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lister's leg jiggled against the small table in the bunkroom covered with multiple cans of lager strewn about. He gripped the can currently in his hand a little too tightly and took a sip, eyes fixated on the back of Rimmer's head that he could just see poking from behind the back of the sofa. </p>
<p>The hologram was stretched out on the cushions, casually flipping through an astronavigation textbook.</p>
<p>Lister was about to lose his mind. Rimmer was here, now, only a few feet away. He thought he would never see the man again, after he went off to be Ace Rimmer, space adventurer. Yet, he had been back for three whole smegging weeks and Lister had not found it in him to say anything. Not about how much he had missed the smeghead, nothing. Rimmer had just strolled right in, tossed away the wig, and now they were back to living together in yet another set of quarters as though nothing had changed.</p>
<p>But it had.</p>
<p>The hologram turned another page in his book, and Lister couldn't take it anymore.</p>
<p>"Rimmer!" Lister shouted, stumbling over to the sofa.</p>
<p>"Yes?" He replied, looking up at his wobbly bunkmate.</p>
<p>"I want you to take me to bed," Lister commanded firmly.</p>
<p>Rimmer stared at the man blankly.</p>
<p>"I'm not your mum, Listy, you can tuck yourself in," the hologram responded finally, returning to reading his book.</p>
<p>At that, the Scouser hopped over the sofa, landing in a sitting position next to Rimmer. Lister leaned over the hologram and pulled the book down from his face and tried again.</p>
<p>"Take. Me. To. Bed." </p>
<p>"You are perfectly capable of taking yourself to bed."</p>
<p>Lister groaned in exasperation. This was not going the way he had imagined it in his head.</p>
<p>Rimmer regarded his bunkmate with an increasingly puzzled expression.</p>
<p>I guess I'll have to go with a more direct approach, Lister thought, as he took Rimmer's face in his hands and kissed him.</p>
<p>The hologram blinked rapidly as Lister pulled back.</p>
<p>The Scouser grinned widely as he watched the range of changing expressions on Rimmer's face.</p>
<p>"Are you propositioning me?" Rimmer questioned with a flustered, mildly petrified look.</p>
<p>"You only just now noticed?"</p>
<p>Rimmer nodded slowly, now realizing that Lister was already halfway on top of him. Well, that solves the issue of actually having to admit to his bunkmate that he was interested, he could probably already feel it.</p>
<p>"But- but we- you-" the hologram stammered, "you're drunk, Listy."</p>
<p>"I'm not drunk-drunk though," the Scouser insisted, "I'm only nicely-drunk. I could play a mean game of pool right now if I wanted."</p>
<p>"You can't possibly really, actually really want this."  </p>
<p>"I do! I missed you, man. I really did-"</p>
<p>At this point, Rimmer saw that he had two choices, let the situation devolve into some sort of gushy heartfelt talk on feelings, or shut Lister up before he went on about it any further.</p>
<p>After a moment of contemplation, the hologram choose the later, pulling the other man fully on top of him, silencing him with his mouth.</p>
<p>No other words were shared between the two for the remainder of the evening, save for the occasional "Oh, God" or "Smegging hell!"<br/><br/></p>
<p>~*~<br/><br/></p>
<p>The distant sound of a vacuum cleaner nudged at the edges of Rimmer's sleeping mind. He shifted slightly on the sofa, adjusting his blanket, a wide smile on his face.  The hologram couldn't remember the last time he felt so warm and cozy. But why was the blanket so heavy?</p>
<p>And then his blanket snored.</p>
<p>Rimmer's eyes flew open.</p>
<p>"Oh, smeg."</p>
<p>He hesitantly lifted up the blanket, to find a nude Lister, snoring loudly, fully entangled with himself, also starkers.</p>
<p>"Oh smeg."</p>
<p>The sound of the vacuuming down the corridor was growing louder. It was heading this way-<em>Kryten</em> was heading this way.</p>
<p>"Oh smeg."</p>
<p>Rimmer couldn't let Kryten catch them like this, he'd never hear the end of it. </p>
<p>The hologram had only moments to act, switching to soft-light mode and carefully sliding through Lister just as Kryten knocked on the door, and then switching off his projection entirely and rolling his light-bee under the sofa as Kryten entered.</p>
<p>"Good morning, Mr. Lister, sir!" The mechanoid greeted chirpily he ran his groinal socket vacuum attachment around the room.</p>
<p>The Scouser only snored in response.</p>
<p>"Oh there you are, sir," Kryten commented, reaching the sofa and adjusting Lister's blanket so that his bare bum was no longer showing.</p>
<p>Rimmer took this moment of distraction to roll all the way across the floor to the lower bunk, and in one swift move re-engage his projection, pull a book from the shelf, and pretend like he was fully engrossed in reading.</p>
<p>"Rimmer," Lister moaned slightly, as the mechanoid finished tucking him in.</p>
<p>The hologram tensed up, eyes wide.</p>
<p>"Ah, Mr. Rimmer, sir," Kryten said, glancing across the room, "I didn't see you there."</p>
<p>"Been here the whole time, Krytie," the hologram said hurriedly, face obscured by the book that he now realized he had been holding upside down the entire time.</p>
<p>"Just doing a little cleaning."</p>
<p>"Right right, carry on."<br/><br/></p>
<p>~*~<br/><br/></p>
<p>Rimmer almost let out a sigh of relief when Kryten finally left the room, but then Lister woke up.</p>
<p>"Rimmer, man, I just had the best-" Lister yawned and stretched, but then stopped when he saw the hologram hiding his face in a book, sweating bullets, "-dream."</p>
<p>From Rimmer's prospective, at this point he had three, no <em>four</em>, choices. One, have a serious one-on-one discussion with his longtime bunkmate about their feelings. Two, suggest that they both pretend that none of last night's sexcapade ever happened. Three, leg it. Four, feign total and complete ignorance.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Lister, wearing only a blanket, was starting to realize that what he initially thought was just a really, <em>really</em> nice dream actually happened. He and Rimsy actually did the horizontal tango. It happened. He remembered it. And Rimmer looked like he ready to leg it at any moment.</p>
<p>So, Lister figured, at this point he had two choices. One, attempt to have a serious one-on-one discussion with his longtime bunkmate about their feelings, likely resulting in Rimmer immediately legging it. Or two, pretend that he didn't remember any of what happened last night.</p>
<p>But the Scouser wanted to give the hologram a choice in the matter.</p>
<p>"D'you remember what happened last night?" Lister asked casually.</p>
<p>"No, no, nothing in particular," the hologram lied poorly, voice going up several octaves with each word. He made had his choice, total and complete ignorance it was.</p>
<p>Lister sighed. "Sorry, guess I blacked out. Had too much to drink, I suppose." Surely Rimmer would talk with him about this when he's good and ready, right?</p>
<p>Not a smegging chance.<br/><br/></p>
<p>~*~<br/><br/></p>
<p>Lister was starting to get annoyed. Correction, annoyed <em>and</em> horny-but mostly annoyed. Several days had passed and Rimmer had said nothing. Nothing about their intense multi-round game of tongue-hockey. Nothing about riding each other like wild stallions. Nothing. Besides the few times he managed to catch Rimmer staring at him longingly, the Scouser might have started to believe that he had hallucinated the whole thing. </p>
<p>So, Lister had taken to just staring at Rimmer's arse. All the time. Maybe, just maybe if he stared at it long enough, the hologram would notice. And maybe, just maybe, old iron-balls would proposition <em>him</em> the next time. <em>God</em>, he hoped there would be a next time.</p>
<p>"Listy, are you listening to a word I'm saying?"</p>
<p>"Sorry, what?"</p>
<p>Lister looked up from his crossword to see Rimmer pointing at a handmade chart with lots of rows and columns, some carefully colored in, with graphs, and other various doodles.</p>
<p>"As I was saying," the hologram continued, turning and pointing to line five, subsection two, "another reason that <em>Risk</em> is superior to <em>Axis &amp; Allies</em> is the terrific combat, the thrill of diplomacy, the-"</p>
<p>"D'you know you have a really nice arse?" Lister blurted out suddenly.</p>
<p>The hologram's eyes widened as he slowly turned his head.</p>
<p>Lister picked up one of the empty cans of lager from the table and looked into it. Did I just say that out loud, he pondered.</p>
<p>Rimmer's eyes flitted from his bunkmate, to all of the beer cans littering the table and back. What he didn't realize was that those were the same ones that had been sitting around from a few days prior. Lister was currently completely sober.</p>
<p>"Go on, then" the hologram said, raising an eyebrow.</p>
<p>Moments later, Rimmer was flat on his back, Lister was moaning his name, and the hologram had forgotten his own.<br/><br/></p>
<p>~*~<br/><br/></p>
<p>This charade went on and on for a ridiculous amount of time. Weeks turned into months. And somehow Lister and Rimmer managed to go about their days as though they weren't totally giving each other one on the regular.</p>
<p>The hologram honestly believed that Lister did not recall any of their sexual liaisons. And the Scouser had played along so far, but there was a problem.</p>
<p>Red Dwarf was running low on lager.</p>
<p>Of course, Lister didn't want Rimmer to know that, but he also didn't want to run out of beer. So he came up with a plan to drink no more that one lager a day and store away all of his empty cans in a bin hidden away where Kryten could not find it, or at least where he <em>thought</em> the cleaning obsessed mechanoid couldn't find it. Then, whenever Rimmer arrived back from his shift, the Scouser could scatter them about as a precursor to getting their ends away.</p>
<p>"Kryten!" Lister shouted, desperately searching for said bin.</p>
<p>"Yes, Mr. Lister, sir?"</p>
<p>"My bin, my red bin I was keeping away behind those boxes there, what happened to it?"</p>
<p>"I emptied it, sir."</p>
<p>"But I was saving that!"</p>
<p>"Whatever for, sir?"</p>
<p>"Reasons," Lister gritted out through his teeth.<br/><br/></p>
<p>~*~<br/><br/></p>
<p>Rimmer headed back to the bunkroom, with a spring in his step. It was Thursday, and Lister was always thoroughly plastered on Thursday. And Sunday. And usually Tuesday also.</p>
<p>The door to the bunkroom whooshed open and instead of being met by a horny, sloshed Lister, the hologram instead was met with the sight of his bunkmate doing a puzzle, not a single beer can in sight.</p>
<p>"Listy?"</p>
<p>"Hey, Rimmer," he replied flatly, clicking another piece into the puzzle scene.</p>
<p>"Erm, what's going on?"</p>
<p>"Not much, just doing a puzzle," Lister sighed.</p>
<p>"Right," the hologram said slowly. Something had gone horribly awry here, if only he could figure out what it was. Could it have stemmed from way back when this started, when Rimmer decided to keep his feelings repressed and continue to ignore the fact that Lister kept chatting him up and he in turn had continued to enthusiastically accept? No, no it couldn't possibly be that.</p>
<p>"You, er, haven't been drinking," Rimmer pointed out.</p>
<p>"I've decided to cut back."</p>
<p>The hologram's face fell further. Well, shit.</p>
<p>"Wanna help with the puzzle?" Lister offered.</p>
<p>"I suppose," Rimmer responded, taking a seat. Nothing better to do now since hiding the sausage was off the table.<br/><br/></p>
<p>~*~<br/><br/></p>
<p>Three weeks. Three smegging weeks. Rimmer's leg jiggled nervously under the table as he waited for Lister to finally make his move.</p>
<p>"I don't have all day, Listy!" </p>
<p>"Don't get your knickers in a twist, Rimmer, I'm trying to decide which action card to play," the Scouser responded as he studied the mine-opoly board.</p>
<p>The hologram groaned in exasperation, not just because his bunkmate didn't know how to take his turn within a reasonable amount of time but because he hadn't gotten laid in three weeks and Lister was still sober, and neither of them had cracked under the pressure. Yet.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Lister could barely focus on what his cards said because of how smegging horny he was. His leg was also bouncing about under the table with pent-up energy. It was a miracle that the table had not vibrated into another dimension from all the synchronized gyrating. But the dice did manage to get knocked off of the table. The Scouser looked up from his hand for a moment to catch Rimmer's intense gaze. He really wished that the hologram would just bend him over the table here and now and get on with it.</p>
<p>The next words Rimmer meant to come out of his mouth were, "Take your turn!"</p>
<p>But instead, he said what he really, actually wanted to say, which was-</p>
<p>"Take me to bed!" Rimmer blurted out.</p>
<p>"You what?" Lister replied, in disbelief.</p>
<p>"I-" the hologram stammered, "I said take your turn!"</p>
<p>"That's not what I heard," Lister said, grin spreading across his face. "Are you propositioning me, Rimmer?"</p>
<p>At that, Rimmer's face turned multiple shades of red as the events of the last few months raced through his mind and the realization suddenly dawned on him that Lister <em>knew</em> this entire time.</p>
<p>"Why didn't you say anything?" The hologram exclaimed.</p>
<p>"Me?" Lister replied, "Why didn't <em>you</em> say something?"</p>
<p>It was at this point that Rimmer realized he had two, no <em>three</em>, choices. One, have a serious one-on-one discussion with his longtime bunkmate about their feelings. Two, leg it. Or three, he could bend Lister over the table here and now and get right to boning.</p>
<p>He chose the later.</p>
<p>By the time the hologram had tossed the mine-opoly board and all of its pieces unceremoniously into the floor, Lister already had half his clothes off, and had climbed up on the table.</p>
<p>Maybe someday they would talk about all those feelings and smeg, but today was not that day.</p>
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